Yeah….I got a few. Although I cannot find the definition in the tiny Webster dictionary on my table, the Bible speaks of infirmity as a weakness, a blight on the character, which causes a person to stray from the blessed path of Christlikeness, but in that same regard, the grace of God in Christ Jesus is far greater than the weakness and sins of a believer, and there is forgiveness with God for various infirmities. This is not to say that the infirmity is an excuse for ungodly behavior, but just an observation of the human condition.
Here I am, at 3:21AM in the morning in my silent room in central Massachusetts. I have the night off, and it is very cold outside. I live in a rooming house. A locked rooming house which you cannot enter unless you have a key to enter. I have the portable heater on, because there is a chill in the air, and when I have stepped outside the room to go to the community bathroom which I share with the other tenants on my floor, I remember the chill I had before I put the heater on.
So what am I doing up this late on an early Thursday morning, when I should be sleeping? Funny you should ask, or better yet, I should ask myself. It is my night off, and if I was working tonite, I would be taking my half hour break, and eating a microwave meal and reading my book which I bring with me during this time. It is usually one of the better times to read, and a very welcome break from the molding machines I have to attend to. Unlike the others who take a break with me, I have my book, and they have their “stupid phones” (Iphones, as it were), and they spend their time chatting with whoever is up in their life outside or scrolling down the news of the morning.
I have already done this earlier, and my infirmity has chased me again and captured my soul, as it were, and I have found myself looking at the most inappropriate videos online. I am not proud of this fact. But when I do the math, I am still ashamed at the total I arrive at. I am divorced, have lost my family (both ex-wife and two twin daughters), and my children, which includes a grown adult son, and they have dutifully distanced themselves away from my family, which is one half of their birth family, and I found myself once again very upset about this earlier this evening. Then there are the few women I talk to online. Most of them speak of love, but it is just words, and their focus is on why I have not sent them any money lately. But then, there is Mary Jo.
Ah yes…..the bag lady of the city. We met each other at the library earlier last evening and she wanted to know how we were going to spend the evening. Not in the best of moods, I abruptly told her she would do her thing and I would do mine, and then left for about 20 minutes, thinking she would be gone by the t ime I returned to get back into my parked van in front of the city library, but I was wrong, as usual. She was waiting for me patiently, and told me where she was going to be, and I assured her that I might not see her, but again, after the few errands I undertook this evening, I ended up at the grocery store where she was just “hanging out” at, and I swear she had been waiting for me.
We made some small talk, and some of it very provocative and leading, but she dismissed it. After the 5 years of our casual acquaintance, which has led to an off again and on again friendship, we do really understand each other and can smile and joke with each other about the impossibilities of any further advancement in our relationship.
So I spent the last few hours just looking at various sundry topics online and found myself guilty and ashamed for my lack of self-control (which is a matter for another posting). I just trust that my profession of faith is not one of hypocrisy. Like I told Mary Jo….”what you see is what you get” with me….and she understands and appreciates that about me. She doesn’t expect anything more or less, which I find to be really refreshing. Odd? Yeah…that’s me. Outspoken? Yeah…strike two. Have very few people to talk with? Strike three said the umpire and my team of one was retired for the night. All I have left is my heavenly Father. “Who do I have but you, Oh Lord, in heaven?” Sure. And what is wrong with me? Idiot at large at times, and defender of intellectual honesty for what it’s worth, in my little corner of the world.
I don’t miss working tonite, but it would have been better than being seduced by the siren call of inappropriae fantasies and urgings. Infirmities be damned. God have mercy. Amen. And it is time to “hit the sack” as they say. The room is now warm enough that I don’t need to keep my clothes on to sleep, as I usually do. You would think that at $620 a month for rent, the rooms would be better heated, but it could be worse. I could be living in box on the railroad tracks or just walking the streets, as some of my homeless friends do. And the mayor is beside himself, not knowing the direction to take to solve this problem. Again…probably another posting to come.
Be blessed, friends. Chat with you later. And beware of your infirmities. Unless they find you out.